The iconic line from the movie Jerry Maguire (Special Edition) “You complete me” has created a goal for many singles since its release in 1996. Looking for someone to complete you is the wrong goal and a very dangerous one, because it’s misleading. No one can complete you. Only you can complete yourself.

I was watching a talk show the other day and one of the guests was a “Dating Profile Expert.” This was a new profession for me. It started me thinking about how a profession like that would come about.

Currently, there are a ton of dating web sites, more jobs for matchmakers then in the past and the existence of (demand for) love coaches and dating profile experts. Why? Because so many people are desperately searching for Mr. or Ms. Right. So many people are lonely. So many people believe that this is the natural progression their life is supposed to follow. And lastly, it is because many people are in need of being loved.

I’ve heard many pregnant teens say that they got pregnant because ‘they just want someone to love them.’

Here’s a novel idea: love yourself.

There is a genuine lack of love, more specifically, unconditional love in this world, and I believe it’s because most people don’t know how to love themselves unconditionally.

How can we know how to love others unconditionally when we judge, criticize and abuse ourselves?

How can we know how to love others unconditionally when we have never experienced unconditional love?

Learn to love yourself unconditionally and you will be able to share that with others and become a loving, nurturing being toward everyone in your life. You will also shine from within and attract more potential mates.

Another contributing problem is that many little girls have been and are being raised with a constant barrage of fairy tales, more specifically the princess, prince charming and the happily-ever-after that comes with getting the prince. If these stories become or have become the basis of you life’s pursuits, then you are probably in for a rude awakening.

The stories never delve into how well the prince and the princess manage once they are living together. The happily-ever-after story ends with the wedding! And that is why there are shows depicting how crazy some women get about their wedding day. All that planning for one day, but where is the planning for married life and for becoming a parent?

I digress!

Up until the late 1960’s, getting a job, getting married and having children was the expected and conventional trajectory of ones life. Most people moved straight from their parents’ home into their marriage, never having the opportunity for independent living, self-reliance and self-management. This lack of training causes problems in a marriage and often makes one dependent on ones spouse for the things that weren’t learned.

In 1960, at the age twenty-two, my mother was the only one of her friends not married, which put pressure on her; pressure from her family and pressure on herself. She accepted blind dates, even from her mother, and eventually met my father. By the age of twenty three she was married and by the age of twenty four she had me. She and my father celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last year, so it all worked out.

But caving to this pressure didn’t and doesn’t work out for most people/couples.

We often have expectations to be in a relationship and have children because that’s what we’ve been programmed to believe is the traditional path. Often these expectations come in the form of pressure from other people, which then cause us to have the same goal for ourselves so we won’t disappoint them.

I worked with a lot of women and they were always harping on the idea of me getting married and trying to set me up. I would get calls in my office to let me know that there was a cute UPS guy in the main office!

People would always say things like “Why aren’t you married? You’re such a nice girl.” I never knew how to respond to this. And it would often make me sad.

People are always saying, to every unmarried person, “Don’t worry, you’ll find your true love one day.” But what are you doing with your life until that day comes (if it ever does)?

Being single affords us as an opportunity to learn, grow, awaken, heal, and become whole, so you’re not expecting someone else to “complete you.” It’s a time to explore and discover who and what you are, and who and what you want to become. It is time to uncover your passions and explore your soul tasks and lessons.

It is a gift of time to work on and complete yourself. Then you will become the best version of you, and if you still desire an intimate relationship and a family, you will be prepared for it.

Being single is a time to focus on evolving yourself and your career path without the added responsibilities of taking care of others and the huge responsibility of being accountable for their well-being.

I spent my twenties in search of Mr. Right. This ‘goal’ turned my twenties into a decade of depression, self-loathing and fear of dying alone. For me, it was not about needing to be loved, for me it was needing to be a mom and give love.

It got so bad that I knew it was in my own best interest to quit this pursuit. Instead I began focusing on self-growth as a goal, and it was the best decision and work I ever did.

It was at this time that the Universe gifted me with the knowledge of what I needed and a way to get it. I was gifted with a Self-Acceptance exercise.

A few years later when I already believed in sacred contracts, after I had accepted that I was not going to be a mom, and realized I liked being single, I was told by a psychic that in a past life I had lived a very hard life on the prairie with a boat load of kids. Understanding how difficult that life would have been, I recognized why I would have chosen a simpler, single life for this new incarnation.

I also recognized that my career was my way of expressing my need to nurture and give love. I was able to give all that, and more, to my students every day. And I had the freedom to come home and work every night to insure I was doing my best for them without the guilt of neglecting other people.

There is too much loneliness and too much pain in this world. If you are experiencing any of this pain because you are single, please choose to believe that this time is a gift, and use this time to learn to love and accept yourself. Become self-reliant and independent. It will make you a happier and healthier person and a better catch!

May you perceive and receive all your blessings.

With Much Love,

Rev. Michele

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