Why Should I Take The Time To Understand My Needs?

Posted by on April 4, 2013 | 7 comments

Why Should I Take The Time To Understand My Needs?

Much of what I post is for the purpose of sharing what I’ve learned and applied for the betterment of my life. Understanding my emotional/relational needs was especially important. These are the needs that we will continue to focus on as they are the most damaging to our personal evolution if unexamined.

I found that once I identified and sought fulfillment of my true needs, I had very few wants.

I became content and at peace with myself and my life.

People often find that once they get what they want they’re still not satisfied or happy. This is because what they wanted is not what they needed. It is by satisfying our needs that we find contentment and peace.


Some will say that contentment is boring, but it’s static; it’s harmonious. Happiness, on the other hand, is fleeting, because it’s situation-dependent. Contentment is 24/7 tranquility and satisfaction. What’s boring about that?

So, once you identify, understand and acknowledge your true needs, you can begin to take the steps to seek fulfillment of your phase-appropriate needs. Don’t you want to know what contentment feels like?

Why Should I Take The Time To Understand My Needs?

If the idea of being content is not enough of an incentive, here are three specific reasons.

  1. Your wants (or desires) and your behaviors are driven by your needs. If you are having trouble understanding why you do some of the things you do, identifying your needs will shine a light on that. Your behavior and quests for getting what you want become destructive when basic needs continue to be sought as an independent human. At that time they should be replaced with advanced needs and thus, satisfied through self-delivery. The most common of the basic needs that continue to be sought from outside sources are attention, approval, acceptance/belonging and to be loved.
  2. What you think are your true needs and wants may actually be driven by your ego. First, let me explain that there is the healthy ego: this is the sense of self as an individual. According to Freud, the ego develops around the age of three when we start to individuate. This ego is the beginning of our independence from our parents.

Then there is the false ego – its’ needs and wants can be determined by what they seek to achieve:

  • Feeling superior- This is the main goal of the false ego. Its goals include:
    • Winning
    • Inspiring Envy
    • Bragging
    • One-Upmanship
    • Gossiping
    • Name-Dropping
    • Being Right
    • Complaining
    • Name-Calling
    • Blaming
    • Resentment/Holding A Grudge
    • And many of the others listed below
    • Recognition
    • Status
    • Reputation
    • Material Gain
    • Power Over Others, Being In Control
    • Conflict, Opposition
    • Comparison -Achieving More, Having More Possessions, Knowing More
    • Being Separate
    • Getting Attention, Outside Approval/Validation (also basic needs)

Unexamined wants are often needs of the ego. When they are, your wants and desires tend to lead to envy, jealousy, disappointment, and unquenchable lust for that which proves ourselves to others. Once you identify what your soul needs (your true needs- your advanced and evolved needs) that is what you will want and desire.

[If you want to understand the false ego better, as well as so much more, I highly recommend Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose (Oprah’s Book Club, Selection 61). ]

3. Those needs that were not met in childhood may continue to seek satisfaction. (As discussed in a previous post, these are mostly the needs that should have been delivered, received and/or allowed.) This will cause difficulty and suffering because they are no longer going to be received from outside; you need to know that you now have to self-deliver them.

There is a tendency for people to grow up and seek that which they did not have as a developing human, such as freedom, power/control, money, security, belonging, acceptance, approval, attention, and the need to be loved.

When needs are not met in a developing human they may continue to be sought as an independent human In these cases, one will fail to evolve to the next phase. When one is still dependent on others and the external world for their needs, it creates immature behavior.

You probably won’t be able to make up for those needs not met as a child, but you can be aware of and seek what you really need now. You can also eliminate the behaviors you‘ve been using to get what you needed since you were a child that are no longer working or phase-appropriate.

I hope I have convinced you of the importance of identifying, understanding and seeking to satisfy phase-appropriate needs. By seeking to satisfy your needs, you will be able to:

  • stop chasing unproductive or unfulfillable wants
  • improve your behavior so it can improve your relationships
  • increase your peace and contentment
  • decrease your anxiety created by searching for something outside yourself that can only be found inside yourself
  • increase healing and therefore, decrease triggers and ‘bad’ behavior

How do you think your needs have affected your personal evolution?

If you need any help, please let me know.

May you perceive and receive all your blessings.

With Much Love,

Rev. Michele

Copyright © 2013 Indigo Sky, LLC; All Rights Reserved


  1. Thanks!

    • My pleasure, Tabitha. Please come back and visit again soon.

  2. Thank you Casey for your very kind words. I am blessed to have readers like you.

  3. whoah this blog is excellent i love reading your articles. Keep up the great work! You know, many people are hunting around for this info, you could help them greatly.

    • Thank you, Kala. Please come back and visit again soon.
      May you perceive and receive your blessings.
      With Love,
      Rev. Michele

  4. This basically summed it all up! There are times when you just don’t know where to turn, fortunately this article really helped me alot. After a horrible fight with my boyfriend last night I was left feeling very distraught and helpless, etc, etc. I now have some useful tools to work with thanks for providing this delightful insight to assisting me with my self-help recovery. You are an angel

    • Hi Stephanie, I must apologize for not replying sooner. I stopped checking my comments because all I had was spam. I am so grateful that you found help on my site. Thank you so much for your comment. Blessings to you and yours. With much love and gratitude, Rev. Michele <3


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